Pregnancy has been easy for me physically, even with the increase in my hip pain, but it has been hard for me mentally. Pregnancy really slows you down because your body is so busy growing these tiny hands and feet. You’ll think I would relish this time to take it easy and sit around with a gentle smile on my face while I stroke my growing belly. But I find this period unsettling.
I realize this is the last chance I get to be truly alone with my husband. Not that the baby is unwelcome. You have no idea how long I waited to have this baby. At the same time, I can’t help counting down the days of just being responsible only for myself.
A couple of days ago, I realize that I HAVE to keep my job because I cannot live in my car with my baby. Prior to that, I figured if I get laid off then I can always live in my car or my husband can feed me scraps from his leftovers. But I can feel the box closing in on how much freedom I have left. It is not so much that I will choose to have a blow-out with my boss and quit in a huff (I actually like my job a lot), but just that I don’t have that choice anymore. Silly huh?
I always have the freedom to pick up and go. Always. Now I feel like I have roots. It is not a bad thing. Being Chinese, my family obligations (some of which I even do willing) is a mile long. There are certain things I would never do because of these family obligations and beliefs, so responsibility is not new. What is new is that I will be primarily responsible for this helpless baby. Yes, I conveniently forgot about my husband. And I am sure he would be a big help. But he is just the father.
I know children are worth it. Having help raise my two youngest sisters, there is nothing like that delightful moment when the little one that you helped nurture light up when you enter a room (too bad this does not last longer than the age of 7) or snuggle up to you for no reason. There are all these little moments that make everything worth it. But I can’t help but feel scare. I don’t think I have been this frighten before. When I had my car accident a few years back, I was worried and often feel helpless. But never this frighten.
Until next time and thanks for stopping by Small Steps to Health.
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