Expectations from People Feed the Emotional Eater

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Some of us cannot lose weight because we do not exercise, eat too much unhealthy food, or just eat too much in general.  I am not part of the above groups, but I am an active member of the emotional eaters club.  I have a tendency to reach for carbs when I am bored or upset.  Even when I am happy, I want to celebrate with a piece of cake or cookie.

I am lucky that so far I have been able to rein in the emotional eater inside of me by spending 80% of my time exercising and eating healthy.  But sometimes I cannot help but worry about what will happen if that monster was to break loose.

This post is a discussion on expectations from people in your life and how expectations feed the emotional eater.

Expectation from the important people in your life

If you haven’t notice, the important people in your life have very specific expectations about you.  Parents might expect their children to grow up to be “happy”, but usually happy includes being something such as a doctor or a teacher.  Rarely is “happy” open ended.  Husbands might expect their wives to be happy, but also contribute to the family income and provide a nurturing home environment.

When these expectations align with your own expectations, then you hear choir music every time you whip up a batch of double chocolate cupcakes for your husband while trying to mentally rehearse for a presentation at work the next day.  Or not.  But what you do feel is that the duties based on your expected roles are not emotional draining because it is something that you also wanted.

My mom raised me to be a “good housewife” so that I can “catch a husband.”  I personally believe that is an antiquated concept that should disappear into history like bound feet.  For the longest time, I always felt that I am a disappointment because:  a)  I do not like housework.  b)  I do not want to spend what little free time I have cleaning or cooking.  Logically I know that my mom’s expectation is wrong for me.  But emotionally, I cannot help but feel that something is wrong with me for not wanting the same thing she does.

Buying into someone else’s expectations

It is okay for someone else to have expectations of you.  But what I find myself stuck at is this belief that I should expect the same thing.  It is very hard to draw a line between the person I am and the person others expect me to be.

I get stressed when my mom visit because more often than not, she starts cleaning or cooking even when I cleaned or have meals planned before her arrival.  When this happens, I tend to eat a little too much, grit my teeth, and smile until the weekend is over.  It is hard to have a fabulous career and be Martha Stewart’s protégé at the same time.

I do not believe that I am unique in feeling this tug between having a fabulous career and a fabulous home.  For some women, there is no tug-a-war between these two polar opposites, but for me it is a constant battle.

And this inadequacy is not just reinforced by my mom.  When I mentioned that I am a horrible housekeeper and do not cook during my early twenties, a male co-worker said that I better learn to cook if I want to keep a husband.  I cannot believe I let that man’s words make me feel like crap for the rest of the day.  Even now, I get a little angry writing these words because I could not come up with a snappy reply at the time to throw back at his face.  I wished I had said, “wow, I didn’t know you are looking for mom when you go on dates.”

You cannot change someone else’s expectations, but you can change how you react to it

You only live in the prison that you make for yourself.  Whatever is holding you back from wanting to live the life you want should not belong in your life.  I am not talking about the important people.  I always want my mom to be part of my life, just not her expectations.

If you have brought into someone else’s expectations, it is never too late to evaluate if what you really want aligns with what you should want.  The prison that you make for yourself can only be broken by you.  You are the one holding yourself in that box; nothing prevents you from getting out.

I cannot stop my mom from expecting me to be a “good housewife,” but I certainly can stop expecting myself to feel wrong for wanting something else.  I had the oddest conversation with my mom a couple of years ago about my lack of cleaning and cooking abilities.

I told my mom that after a long day in the office, I only have about three hours a night to make and eat dinner, exercise, relax a little, bath and get ready for bed.  And what little time I had on the weekends, I do the minimal household chores so I can have time to enjoy the life I built for myself.

Surprisingly, my mom told me that she knows how little free time I have.  So when she comes over, she wants to help by cleaning and cooking for me.  All this time, I see my mom’s actions as a silent rebuttal to my inadequacy about living up to her expectations, but it had meant something entirely different for her.  If I known this ten years earlier, I could have save a few cakes from ending up in on my thighs.

You cannot change other people’s expectation, but you can change your belief that their expectation is valid for your life. It is emotionally exhausting to keep striving for this idea in the sky that is hung there by other people.  You cannot eat your way out of this.  You cannot eat your way out of the fear of their disappointment. But when someone else’s expectation decides how you live, it is the other person who benefits from your efforts.  Are you a slave to someone else’s expectations?

Until next time and thanks for stopping by Small Steps to Health.

Strawberry photo by:  lepiaf.geo.

Red apple photo by:  Denise Cross.

• Bored Eating
• Kick Emotional Eating to the Curb
• Parents’ Role with Our Emotional Eating Problems
• A Coping Strategy for Emotional Eating
• Moving Away from Guilt after a Mistake
• Difference between Hunger and Appetite

Tagged as: Emotional Eating, weight and body image, Weight Issues